HaveALaugh

little johny walks into his parents room to find his mother bent over the bed and his father “doing” his mother, so his father winks at jonhy, and johny walks away slowly, after johnys mother and father are done doing there thing, johnys father goes into johnys room to find his (johnys fathers) mother (johnys grandma!) bent over his bed and johny is “doing” her, so his father yells “WHAT THE FUCK”, johney turns arround and says, “ya its not that nice when its your mom now isn’t it!” 

I, WhiteEagle, got this one in my email. Enjoy!

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order..
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one! )
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget……..

HOPE THESE GAVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH !

Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said: “Call for backup.”

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science related to environmental issues. In his project, the young student urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

• cause excessive sweating and vomiting
• it is a major component in acid rain
• it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
• accidental inhalation can kill you
• it contributes to erosion
• it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
• it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that dihydrogen monoxide was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?Burger King didn’t cover his Whopper.

What’s the ultimate rejection?When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?